At the comunity clinic
by Sakura-Revolution
Summary: Okay. This is the result of some ctrazyness... Kimblee is pregnant, greed is weird, and scar has teacup related injuries... lol
1. Chapter 1

Kimblee sits on a plastic chair, with an obvious belly pooch, a two year old on his knee, and a hysterically laughing Greed on one side.

Scar blinked, looking in the reflection of the window. He proceded to poke the teacup that was er... lodged into his shoulder. 'How'd that get there?' he wondered. He must have fallen asleep while playing with Mrs. Muffin- Er. A State Alchemist must have thrown it at him! Damn alchemists. They always had it out to get him and his teacups.

Greed, through the laughing, manages to say.

"Okay Kimblee, now explain ONE MORE TIME how you managed to get pregnant with ARCHER! Does he even _have_ the equipment anymore?"

Kimblee sighs and shifts the little girl, who waves at Scar happily.

"YES he does. And I didn't sleep with him... I used his towel."

Greed grins.

"If that's how you think you get pregnant, I see why we were so surprised at Andoria."

Oh snap? What was that? Scar blinked, looking out of the corner of his eye to see... The man who took off his arm and a homonculis. At a clinic? The same clinic he visits ever Thursday for teacup-related illnesses. Ishballa had it out to get him, that was the only excuse.

Kimblee growls.

"It. Is. Not. Funny."

Greed laughs.

"Yes it is... the great Crimson alchemist, at a comunity clinic with his illegitimate toddler, pregnant by his brother, and getting pills for morning sickness... the only thing that could amke this funnier is... I guess if an Ishballian got to see you like this."

Scar's left eye twitched slightly. No, he would not laugh. Not even smile. NO! He had to stay uber-cool with his evil look... Uber-cool? "Is uber even a word?" he mused.

Kimblee looks over an twitches...

"You. have a... teacaup... in your... arm..."

Andoria waves.

"Hi! I'm Annie, my daddy is having another baby, and I'm gonna big a big sister!"

"You're pregnant." Scar replied calmly. He gave the child the evil glare-look of death, copywritten, of coarse. Children were evil things that could grow up to be state alchemists, that's why he hated them. With this logic he might as well have hated puppies and kitties too...

Which he did.

"You bet your dark ass I am!" kimblee yells. "And you knwo what, for all i know, YOU might be the father! How do i know what you were doing to my body on that roof!"

Greed cannot control his laughing, but picks up Andoria, just in case there's a brawl.

"remember, alchemist killer, don't hit a pregnant lady!" greed coos.

Scar blinked, once... twice... thrice. "I was throwing you off it..." His expression clearly stated 'What the hell?' He was sure wherever his brother was he was laughing his ass off.

Kimblee glares.

"So you say!"

Greed nods.

"Yup, you could have nailed him, he's really pretty, as long as he's unconcious so you can't hear the obnoxious voice, or see the creepy pee colored eyes."

"..." Scar's left eye was twitching violently. How dare they insult his little-girl exploding honor! "If there's one thing I don't do," he began, "it's rape annoying arm-exploding assholes."

Kimblee glares.

"It could be yours anyways... as I said, i get pregnant really easily... just ebing around you could ahve done it."

Andoria giggles.

"I thought it was Uncle Archer's baby?"

Scar would have fainted on the spot, if he wasn't force to be 'in character' by Ishballa. Instead, he gave an irritated sigh. Archer? The scary pale one that always look like he wanted something shiney? The child was a creation of pure evil.

Andoria smiles.

"can i have a hug? My aunt Lust likes hugs, but Greedy-papa says not to touch her or she'll give me herpes."

Scar cracked a smile, and quickly hid it with a scowl, then moved away from the child. Lust could give herpes to a tree, he knew that for sure. That poor, poor tree. In fact, he was sure she gave it to the Palmtree homonculus.

"Also, you have a pretty tattoo... my daddy has tattoos too. His make things go a'splode. Then Greedy-Papa laughs really hard and whacks Daddy in the head with a shovel and they go play checkers in their room... but how can you play checkers when you;re asleepin'?"

Kimblee rubs his head.

"Honey, shut up."

Scar blinked. 'How do you play checkers when you're aslee- WTF? EW.' Scar was sure that if his skin was light enough they would have seen him pale. His brother would always tell him he was playing checkers with his love when they were in his bedroom. 'EWEWEW.'

Kimblee glares.

"Its amazing I don't have a flock by now... Greed is freakin' insatible..."

Greed grins.

"But you deserve it."

Scar pushed the teacup pain in the back of his mind. "I doubt sins could bear children." he growled.

Kimblee growls.

"See that?"

He points at Andora.

"That's greed's seed, and my blood... and about the weirdest two year old ever seen..."

"..." Scar blinked. How weird could a two year old actually be?

Kimblee laughs.

"This child is as religious as any priest... and you better believe we didn't raise her that way!"

Andoria smiles sweetly.

"Sir... you have a cup in your arm."

Scar inwardly smiled. Somebody he could relate too? Of coarse, it mattered that she was a child. "I'm aware of that, child." he said in a gruff voice.

"It looks kinda uncomfortable..."

Andoria says, looking at it for a long time.

"How did you get it stuck there...?"

"Alchemy." he stated instantly. Boy, Scar just had to blame everything on alchemy. It was almost common knowledge that he thinks an alchemist stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

"Gee! And I thought tucker tried to fuse people with weird stuff... i think my greedy-knows alchemy and tried to fuse things with daddy, 'cause daddy's alaways saying ;get that damn thing out of me'"

Kimblee rubs his head.

"So THIS is why abortion is so popular..."

Greed laughs.

"She's a blessing, Kims. Enjoy her child-like innocence... and her ease of expression..."

Kimblee glares.

"And her extreme lack of tact?"

Scar would have burst out laughing if it weren't so wildy OOC. Instead, he allowed a small smirk. The child was innocent... kind of. He had a strange feeling that she knew what she was talking about.

Or it could just be the pain meds setting in.

Kimblee sighs.

"So..."

He shrugs.

"We're kinda stuck in close quarters, I'm gonna ignore everyone for awhile... my stomach hurts."

Greed grins for some reason.

Andoria hugs Scar's waist.

"My daddy has lots of really embarassing secrets!"

Twiiiiiiitch went Scar's left eye. His immediant instinks were to push her away and wash himself off with holy water, but he didn't move. The kid was surprisinglys strong...

She happily smiles up at him with a mouth full of pointy teeth.

"My Daddy has chihuahua doggies!"

Scar blinked. Holy shit, it was Satan. He put his index finger on the girl's forhead, and pushed her back a few feet.

Andoria's eyes go really wide.

"Why do you push me away? I thought you wanted to be friends!"

She starts wailing, causing one hell of a scene, and Greed looks up from the magazine he was drawing penises(on the women) in.

"Okay, what did you do to her?"

Panic rose in Scar's chest. "I... pushed her away?" he said in an asking tone

Greed's eye narrow.

"Why?"

Andoria continues to wail. Kimblee on the other hand continues to sleep in his chair.

"She's... your... spawn." Scar muttered, glaring at the sin.


	2. Chapter 2

Greed nods slowly.

"She's still a creation of Ishballa to your people... All children are... if she wasn't, Kims couldn't have concieved... true?"

"..." Scar gave Greed a look that clearly stated 'Shut the hell up before I rip your head off and give it to Dante.'

"That is not a creation of Ishballa."

Greed laughs.

"yes she is... by your religon, ishballa created all people... they are born into his light. But some turn from the true path, Andoria being so young cannot have turned from the true path, and therefore is still his child."

Kimblee scowls. Greed continues.

"besides... she goes to the damn temple, if she isn't we're gonna get her some therapy..."

"... Don't correct me." Scar growled, eyes narrowed

Andoria blinks.

"Wow Greed-papa... you know LOTS!" She grins. "I thought religon is a load of manure?"

Kimblee interrupts

"It is... now do daddy a big favor and kill him so he doesn't have to have a baby..."

Andoria blinks.

"No daddy... now stop asking."

Scar blinked twice. "I'll kill you." he stated, in a more-sarcastic-than-Scar-should-be voice./quote

Kimblee grins.

"I knew you would."

Greed laughs.

"No, don't kill him... once he has the kid I'll send you photos... Kimmie is deathly afraid of pacifiers, so I buy shitloads and hide them in his clothes... he becomes an emotional wreck!"

"You're a freak." Scar stated, wincing slightly. The teacup fealt like it was digging into his flesh. Damn thing had a mind of its own...

Zolf rolls his eyes...

"Oh look... another member of our little freak show."

Edward Elric at that point walks in, trying unsucessfully to hide with his cioat that he is wearing a schoolgirl uniform.

Scar choked on his own tounge. First, those two idiots, and now the state alchemist midget? This truely wasn't his day. Ishbala must be testing him. Because Ishbala was ialways/i testing him. Making him run out of milk and other convienences. Damn Goddess.

Hoshit. He didn't mean that!

"Fullmetal..." Scar stated.

Edward turned red.

"This isn't what it looks like!"

Kimblee yawns.

"it looks like you got stuck in a zipper..."

Andoria grins.

"Ishballa proves her discontent! Or that she thinks Edward needs to be less well hung."

Greed blinks.

"Why woul your god want to get people stuck in zippers?"

"She works in mysterious ways." Scar answered, watching as a nurse signed Edward up to visit the doctor.

"yes she does... like the fact that she seems to be amused when my daddy gets pregnant..."

Kimblee sighs and rubs his head.

"I'm starting to think You kight be right Annie... But I still am not sorry."

Andoria giggles.

"Which is why you are pregnant with twins..."

Somewhere, and angel was being banished into hell.

Kimbley...

With TWINS!

'Such an abomination shouldn't be allowed.' Scar thought, twitching.

Kimblee glares.

"Its not twins damnit..."

Greed laughs.

"I sure hope it is... twie the binkies... and I can name them tweedledee and tweedledum!"

Andoria sighs.

"Ishballa... in thou infinate mercy and grace... may it be octuplets!"

"Don't pray for that..." Scar growled quietly enough just for the little girl to hear.

"Why not? I want siblings, and the way he's going, he'll be dead before he has any more for me..." Andoria looks sweet and confused.

Greed blinks.

"hey. scarred dude... does this mean you get along with our little princess?"

"You don't want younger siblings. You'd be better off being an only child." Scar retorted, ignoring Greed completely.

"And according to my throwing-him-off-the-buildingness, your father should already be dead. Thus is the power of fanfiction."

Andoria nods.

"For that matter, he shouldn';t be able to be alive, greed should be a puddle of goo, and Lust should be dead... but she's walking in with Humanform!Envy as we speak."

Andoria points to Envy and Lust walking in, Envy blonde and pissed, muttering about shaving.

Scar sighed. "I hate my life." he said to Andoria.

Lust side-glanced at Envy, "You don't need to shave you baby."

Andoria pets him.

"Ishballa sends us trials to clense our blackened souls..."

Envy glares.

"remind me how this happened, oh boyantly gifted one?" (lust)

"...I'm not sure myself," Lust began, rubbing her chin thoughtfully, "Something about yearly check-ups..."

Andoria giggles.

"Hi auntie Lust! Do you have herpies?"

Lust glared at the child, earning a glare from Scar. "No. Homunculus don't contract human illnesses."

"But... but..." Her eyes get all teary and she sniffles. "But Greedy-papa says that's why I can hug you! I thought you loved me!"

Kimblee sighs.

"God Annie, calm down, if you get this upset everytime one of your relitives snaps at you, you'll never get a husband."

Greed glares.

"She never will anyway, I'LL KILL THEM ALL"

Kimblee giggles.

"Bit posessive are we?"

Lust rolled her eyes, "This is disgustingly sweet."

Envy giggles and pokes Lust.

"Hey, look, the pipsqueak is tick in a skirt."

Edward... snaps.

insert yelling, cursing and general mayhem

"Fullmetal, if you don't shut up I'm going to rape you." Scar growled, his left eye twitching slightly.

Lust's mouth twitched into smirk.

Kimblee goes into his rant.

"Like you did me!"

Greed pulls out popcorn and a soda from nowhere and grins.

Andoria blinks, then runs over to try and steal Envy's skort.

"HEEEEEY! That's mine... and I wanna know why we are here Lust, then i want a camera just in case the Ishballian is serious."

Scar turned to Kimbley. "I could not have raped you. I had no arms. I'm still not entirely sure how I GOT you up there."

"We're here because Dante thinks you're pregnant you woman." Lust answered.

(A/N: "Ehehehehe. ;0 Covered-Up Panties contributed like woah"

She is the wonderful scar... and quite funny if I do say so myself.) 


End file.
